I used to think self-esteem was just another word for confidence.
I knew I sometimes struggled with self-doubt, but was that really a self-esteem issue?
Or was I just being hard on myself?
Curious to understand it better, I started looking for books on the topic.
That’s when I came across The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem by Nathaniel Branden. What I learned completely changed my perspective.
Self-esteem isn’t just about feeling good about yourself—it’s about how you see yourself at your core.
It influences the way you show up in life, the risks you take, the relationships you build, and even your mental well-being.
In this two-part series, I want to break it all down.
🔹 Part 1: What self-esteem really is, why it matters, and what causes low self-esteem.
🔹 Part 2: How to build strong self-esteem and overcome self-doubt.
Let’s start with the foundation—what self-esteem actually means and why it plays such a huge role in our lives.
Key Takeaways
✅ Self-esteem isn’t just confidence—it’s how you perceive your worth and value yourself at the core.
✅ Low self-esteem can stem from early experiences, social comparison, negative self-talk, and perfectionism, shaping how you navigate life.
✅ Low self-esteem impacts every area of life— from relationships to career and mental well-being.
✅ Self-esteem is like an emotional immune system—it protects you from toxic influences and helps you thrive.
✅ The good news? Self-esteem can be built and strengthened. In Part 2, we’ll explore how to do just that.
What Does Self-Esteem Really Mean?
Self-esteem is more than just confidence.
It’s how we see ourselves and whether we believe we are worthy of love, respect, and success.
Nathaniel Branden, in The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem, defines it as:
📖 The experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and being worthy of happiness.
In other words, self-esteem is both about believing in your ability to handle life’s challenges and believing that you deserve good things in life.
Why does this matter?
Because how we see ourselves shapes everything—our relationships, our decisions, our mental health, and even our level of success.
Think of someone you admire.
Chances are, they carry themselves with self-assurance—not arrogance, but a quiet belief in their own worth. That’s the power of self-esteem.
What Causes Low Self-Esteem?
Low self-esteem doesn’t just appear overnight.
It develops over time, shaped by our experiences, the messages we receive, and the beliefs we internalize.
Here are some of the biggest culprits:
1. Childhood Experiences & Upbringing
The way we are treated as children lays the foundation for our self-worth.
If we were criticized often, ignored, or made to feel like we had to "earn" love and approval, we might grow up feeling like we’re never enough.
⭓ A child who is constantly told, “You’re too sensitive” may learn to suppress their emotions and believe their feelings don’t matter.
⭓ A student who only receives praise when they achieve top grades may tie their self-worth to success, leading to perfectionism and fear of failure.
⭓ An overprotected child might grow up doubting their own abilities because they were never given the chance to make mistakes and learn from them.
Even well-meaning parents can unintentionally contribute to low self-esteem if they are overly critical, dismissive of emotions, or fail to provide consistent support.
2. Comparison Culture & Social Media
We live in an age where we are constantly exposed to curated, filtered versions of other people’s lives.
When we compare our behind-the-scenes struggles to someone else's highlight reel, it’s easy to feel inadequate.
⭓ Scrolling through social media and seeing others seemingly "perfect" lives can make us feel like we’re falling behind.
⭓ Watching influencers with flawless appearances can lead to body image issues and self-doubt.
⭓ Seeing others succeed while we struggle can make us believe we’re not good enough, even if their journey is completely different from ours.
Social media is designed to highlight the best moments, not the whole picture.
Yet, our minds often interpret it as reality, feeding our self-doubt.
3. Negative Self-Talk & The Inner Critic
Branden reminds us,
Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves.
If we see ourselves as unworthy, that belief seeps into everything we do—our relationships, our careers, our dreams.
And often, this self-judgment isn’t even conscious; it’s a pattern we’ve unknowingly carried for years.
The most damaging voice isn’t always external—it’s the one inside our own heads.
I used to believe I wasn’t interesting enough, funny enough, or smart enough for people to listen to me.
Every time I wanted to speak up, that little voice in my head whispered, “Why would anyone care what you have to say?”
For the longest time, I thought that voice was telling the truth. But I later realized—it wasn’t reality.
It was just a pattern of self-doubt I had learned over time.
That’s the thing about negative self-talk: it feels like truth, but it’s often just a reflection of past experiences, fears, and insecurities.
⭓ If we constantly tell ourselves, “I’m not good enough,” we start to believe it.⭓ If we assume others don’t value us, we might withdraw, unknowingly creating the distance we fear.
Our brain is wired to confirm what we already believe.
So if we tell ourselves we’re unworthy, we start seeing "proof" everywhere—even when it’s not real.
Breaking this cycle starts with recognizing that the voice in our head isn’t always right.
4. Perfectionism & Fear of Failure
Many people with low self-esteem set impossibly high standards for themselves. If they can’t meet them, they feel like a failure.
⭓ Instead of seeing mistakes as opportunities to learn, they see them as proof that they aren’t capable.
⭓ They avoid taking risks because they fear looking incompetent or being judged.
⭓ They procrastinate or never start things because they believe, “If I can’t do it perfectly, why bother?”
Perfectionism often stems from a fear of rejection—believing that if we do everything perfectly, we will be worthy of love and approval.
But in reality, it just creates more anxiety and self-doubt. Branden reminds us,
To trust one's mind and to know that one is worthy of happiness is the essence of self-esteem.
But perfectionism teaches the opposite—it tells us we must earn our worth through flawlessness.
Breaking free from this means learning to trust ourselves, even when we make mistakes.
How Low Self-Esteem Affects Your Life
If we do not believe in ourselves—if we do not believe in our own basic goodness—we will not be able to trust ourselves.
1. Relationships: People-Pleasing, Toxic Dynamics & Fear of Rejection
When we don’t believe we are worthy of love and respect, we tend to settle for less than we deserve.
⭓ People-Pleasing: We say "yes" when we mean "no," afraid that setting boundaries will make others dislike us.⭓ Fear of Rejection: We hold back from forming deep connections because we assume people will leave or judge us.
Example: If someone constantly apologizes for things that aren’t their fault or feels guilty for asking for help, it could be a sign of low self-esteem rooted in a fear of being seen as a burden.
2. Career & Goals: Imposter Syndrome & Playing Small
Low self-esteem can hold us back professionally because we don’t believe in our abilities.
⭓ Imposter Syndrome: Even when we’re qualified, we feel like a fraud and worry that others will "find out" we’re not as capable as they think.⭓ Procrastination & Self-Sabotage: We delay taking action on our goals out of fear that we’ll fail and prove our doubts right.
Example: A talented artist might never share their work because they believe, “It’s not good enough.”
A skilled professional might not negotiate their salary because they think, “I should just be grateful for what I have.”
3. Mental Health: Anxiety, Depression & Emotional Exhaustion
When we constantly feel unworthy, our mental health suffers.
⭓ Increased Anxiety: Always worrying about what others think, fearing failure, and overanalyzing interactions.⭓ Depression: Feeling stuck, unmotivated, and convinced that nothing we do matters.
⭓ Emotional Exhaustion: The mental toll of constantly doubting ourselves and seeking validation from others can leave us drained.
Low self-esteem is like trying to run a race with weights strapped to your ankles.
No matter how much effort you put in, something keeps holding you back. And often, that "something" is the belief that you aren’t enough.
What’s Next?
If low self-esteem has such a strong grip on our lives, how do we break free from it?
That’s what we’ll explore in Part 2, where we’ll dive into The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem and practical strategies to rebuild self-worth from the inside out.
📌 Your Turn: Which of these causes of low self-esteem resonated with you the most? Let’s talk in the comments!
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